I find myself in such an odd mixture of anticipation and dread as I pen this last blog post for what has been quite a year. I hate for you to think that I am a whiny gap-toothed young woman who is purely negative but I will allow myself to be vulnerable just this once .2015 was such an eventful year I lost a lot and my faith was wobbly, and I hate that I went to church less. I found myself just existing …less prayerful, less excited about life itself. And this had nothing to do with all my hopes crushing down in front of me but my state of mind as I navigated this journey called LIFE.
Life isn’t always easy and no matter how much you pray, you guaranteed to learn how to navigate your ship towards the lighthouse in a storm. The year had its share of traumatic events, some that took every ounce of belief I had and made me less confident in whom I was. I met a lot of people that treated me with pure disgust and some friends stepped on me on the way to the top.
I know of one person that thought of me as a rose as I brightened their day yet I was an old abandoned house with creaking walls and broken windows. We are all broken in one way or another and at times we sit on our window sills and stare at the clear sky willing it to give answers to our unanswered questions that haunt us in the recess of night.
I found myself asking questions that no one could answer and it did not help that I had no answers to any of the questions. Have you ever reached a point in your life that God’s voice could be an illusion because the ears of your heart are clouded with uncertainty? I hated myself for failing in school, failing in my walk with God, failing to attain my goals. By the time I got to December I had several questions .Who am I? What am I good at? Where am I headed? Is there someone out there for me? Will a swell tummy kill me? Will I ever graduate? Why am I not good at Math? God is my life pleasing to you?
I asked myself these questions as I headed for church service on Sunday the 27th and I was purely looking to reconnect with the power supply :God .I hadn’t been in church for a long time but for the first time in 2015 I felt like I belonged .I might not have attained all I had planned and I might have failed at so many things but one thing I do know is that I am moving from glory to glory.
As I write this I am reminded that I am indeed blessed to be ALIVE, to be surrounded with a family that loves me, to be able to breathe and above all to have reconnected with the giver of life. I end the year with clarity and answered questions (some) with a lot of anticipation for the new chapter To some I have failed but in my mind I have done well, I started the year on a low note and I exit the year with a waltz and gratitude .
Here is to 2016…I am ready for you and all the lessons you may have and all the battles I will have to fight and all the victories that you may contain.
Ancillar has a ridiculous sense of humor and is on a mission not to melt in sunshine city .